活色生香 Chu

无题，及谭嗣同。

2009-03-29T19:27:00.000-07:00

佛不救人，佛说人要自救。佛说世间混沌，佛是混沌中的清冽，佛不在世外。佛说了很多，其实哥们你知道没有佛，这都他妈是人说的。谁说的？管那么多干嘛。管好自己。

想想当代粒子物理，再想想“须弥纳介子，介子纳须弥”，再看威尔史密斯这个尤物演的黑衣人，恩，有意思。“一念百千劫，百千劫于一念间。”大概是在讲点状的个人和在时空上延绵的人类之间的关系吧。“劫”并非劫难，佛说很长很长的一段时间就叫“劫”，人有了个想法做了些事情，引发了另一些事情，然后又有了另一些想法…… 。佛说其实“一念就是百千劫”。法国人耸耸肩，说：C'est la vie.

朴树在哪唱：谁来证明那些没有墓碑和爱情的生命？唱啊唱啊唱啊。

说到生生死死，我想起谭嗣同。“望门投止思张俭，忍死须臾待杜根；我自横刀向天笑，去留肝胆两昆仑。” 他不是邱少云式的人物，所以很少有人真正知道他。

谭嗣同的名字看上去很雅，但没多少人知道那是因为他出生的时候他官老爸正在打麻将，正摸到四筒，于是就给他取了个牌名。他是高官子弟，于是有背景。他是欧阳中鹄的座上弟子，所以有文化。他行走黑白两道，现在都是知道这是黑社会和混混本质的区别。京城大刀王五是他两肋插刀的铁子。他读华严，法华，他琢磨着“须弥纳介子，介子纳须弥”，刹那不短、劫波不长，朝生暮死和松鹤百年都是一生。世间混沌，所以人生也须混沌。他在八股科举试卷上写下“岂有此理”，论桀骜不驯，韩寒较之有愧。谭嗣同自学成才，精通算学、格致、国学还有洋人那一套。他是交友不慎的问题青年，19岁离家出走，在文学圈、娱乐圈和权利圈人士的帮助下，先后浪迹于直隶（河北）、甘肃、新疆、陕西、河南、湖北、江西、江苏、安徽、浙江、山东、山西等省，注意那是个没有高速路的时代。后来打仗了，他没履行所有中国人应尽的义务，上战场杀太平军和杀洋人，反而回京拉帮结伙怂恿天真善良的光绪给清政府改良，他的说词是：“大化之所趋，风气之所溺，非守文因旧所能挽回者。”但谭嗣同不是愤青，梁启超才是愤青，慈禧发话之后，梁启超跑日本继续愤怒去了，谭嗣同从拒绝了日本大使馆的政治避难提议，拒绝了大刀王五的越狱计划。喀嚓。

以前读到过谭嗣同的诗，不是李白杜甫那种老少咸宜的酸酸甜甜，谭嗣同，他的字吃起来味道像茯苓膏，苦，有药味，有禅味。空空忙忙，忙忙空空。佛说：“好孩子”。

似曾诗 四首
---------------谭嗣同
同住莲华语四禅，空然一笑是横阗。
惟红法雨偶生色。被黑罡风吹堕天。
大患有身无相定，小言破道遣愁篇。
年来嚼蜡成滋味，阑入楞严十种仙。

无端过去生中事，兜上朦胧业眼来。
灯下髑髅谁一剑。尊前尸家梦三槐。
金衰喷血和天斗，云竹闻歌匝地哀。
徐甲优容心忏悔，愿身成骨骨成灰。

死生流转不相值，天地翻时忽一逢。
且喜无情成解脱，欲追前事已冥濛。
桐花院落乌头白，芳草汀洲雁泪红。
再世金环弹指过，结空为色又俄空。

柳花夙有何冤业？萍末相遭乃尔奇！
直到化泥方是聚，只今堕水尚成离。
焉能忍此而终古，亦与之为无町畦。
我佛天亲魔眷属，一时撒手幼僧祗。

Back to Bedlam

2009-03-02T01:45:00.000-08:00

(James Blunt is really a sweetheart. )

A little too much into WWII recently, this morning I woke up with Nazi march haunting in mind, this is a sign for another crack-up. Obsession shadows a nervous-breakdown, always. Time to slow down, but how??

I'll go to Beijing after 2 months, hmm, and stay for about half a year. Smell the young life, 活色生香. Nice.

Just had a little chat with SSF,
75 说:
"have you ever feel you are full of something, 100% sure about something?"
YoungSeA 说:
"Sure. such as I will die someday. "
75 说:
"Other than this one??"
YoungSeA 说:
"Such as I felt into love with someone."
75 说:
"More??"
YoungSeA 说:
"Such as I need to sleep and eat to survive."
75 说:
"Ya death, love, food, and rest."
YoungSeA 说:
"haha.“
75 说:
"The elements."
YoungSeA 说:
"When you listed, seems funny."
75 说:
"Amazing."
YoungSeA 说:
"这些都是最本能的东西吧,哈哈."

101 Reykjavik

2009-02-07T06:38:00.000-08:00

A nice film.

The story is simple, which is about a guy who find his own position of resting on chaos, a little someone got the way through night to twilight. The story is rare, coz it's not happening a lot on this planet. The story was discomfortingly sincere before the last 10 minutes, and comfortingly naughty later on. Most importantly, it is about Reykjavik, about Iceland.

I can speak out how much I long for Iceland, but I can't tell you why, I don't know it myself. A depressively crystal land? Nee, Iceland is just so irresistably icelandic...

Memoria 03 About a dream

2009-02-07T05:07:00.000-08:00

I've been too busy, no, maybe not, maybe I've been obsessed with being busy. Misschen, peut-être, talvez.

Sometimes I got confused about everything, so confused that I can't even make out whether I'm confused at all.

A dream is a confusion, something nice if could be articulated.

A dream is something vague, something could only be seen when you chase. No no, this is not enough to give a good cut-in to what I'm whanna talk about. There be a problematic problem, a complicate complexity, see, there be hope to make clear the unclearness of a dream.

Okay, let's start again. Yah, the confusion of a dream. It is nothing about reality, it's about the feeling of reality. it's nothing about the miraculous interaction between the limbic system and the cortex, it's about the out come of such interaction.

There always be something you can't stop, the same here. Addiction.

A Dream is maybe a collective expression for addictions: drugs, alchohol, sex, mathematics, gossips... someone can't stop washing his/her hands every 5 minutes; someone can't stop proving the oneness of space and time; someone can't stop thinking of watching porns which left no time for sex; someone can't stop sadness. It's a big noisy world, it's a life in one blink. A dream is good, addictions are good. The difference is a dream is so beautiful, it could only belong to the world, but addictions are difficult, they belong to us, little great humans.

A dream is something you left behind when wake up, and comes back when sleeping, something you could never recite correctly, and ever could you get rid of till death.

Damn, I'm in the middle of another mental menses.

I seek answers in languages, in myths, in game theory, in relativity, in topology, in poetry, in everywhere I could get access to, the consequence is, I lost the question. What am I doing here? What are you doing here? Hello~

I don't think I could make anything clear enough to satisfy myself, nor do I think I'll stop this hopeless inquiry. It's just about a dream, whirling up from nowhere, yet dying out into nowhere.

TITHONUS by Alfred Tennyson

2009-01-30T00:23:00.000-08:00

The woods decay, the woods decay and fall,
The vapours weep their burthen to the ground,
Man comes and tills the field and lies beneath,
And after many a summer dies the swan.
Me only cruel immortality
Consumes; I wither slowly in thine arms,
Here at the quiet limit of the world,
A white-hair'd shadow roaming like a dream
The ever-silent spaces of the East,
Far-folded mists, and gleaming halls of morn.
Alas! for this gray shadow, once a man--
So glorious in his beauty and thy choice,
Who madest him thy chosen, that he seem'd
To his great heart none other than a God!
I ask'd thee, "Give me immortality."
Then didst thou grant mine asking with a smile,
Like wealthy men who care not how they give.
But thy strong Hours indignant work'd their wills,
And beat me down and marr'd and wasted me,
And tho' they could not end me, left me maim'd
To dwell in presence of immortal youth,
Immortal age beside immortal youth,
And all I was in ashes. Can thy love
Thy beauty, make amends, tho' even now,
Close over us, the silver star, thy guide,
Shines in those tremulous eyes that fill with tears
To hear me? Let me go: take back thy gift:
Why should a man desire in any way
To vary from the kindly race of men,
Or pass beyond the goal of ordinance
Where all should pause, as is most meet for all?

A soft air fans the cloud apart; there comes
A glimpse of that dark world where I was born.
Once more the old mysterious glimmer steals
From any pure brows, and from thy shoulders pure,
And bosom beating with a heart renew'd.
Thy cheek begins to redden thro' the gloom,
Thy sweet eyes brighten slowly close to mine,
Ere yet they blind the stars, and the wild team
Which love thee, yearning for thy yoke, arise,
And shake the darkness from their loosen'd manes,
And beat the twilight into flakes of fire.
Lo! ever thus thou growest beautiful
In silence, then before thine answer given
Departest, and thy tears are on my cheek.

Why wilt thou ever scare me with thy tears,
And make me tremble lest a saying learnt,
In days far-off, on that dark earth, be true?"
The Gods themselves cannot recall their gifts."

Ay me! ay me! with what another heart
In days far-off, and with what other eyes
I used to watch ‹ if I be he that watch'd ‹
The lucid outline forming round thee; saw
The dim curls kindle into sunny rings;
Changed with thy mystic change, and felt my blood
Glow with the glow that slowly crimson'd all
Thy presence and thy portals, while I lay,
Mouth, forehead, eyelids, growing dewy-warm
With kisses balmier than half-opening buds
Of April, and could hear the lips that kiss'd
Whispering I knew not what of wild and sweet,
Like that strange song I heard Apollo sing,
While Ilion like a mist rose into towers.

Yet hold me not for ever in thine East;
How can my nature longer mix with thine?
Coldly thy rosy shadows bathe me, cold
Are all thy lights, and cold my wrinkled feet
Upon thy glimmering thresholds, when the steam
Floats up from those dim fields about the homes
Of happy men that have the power to die,
And grassy barrows of the happier dead.
Release me, and restore me to the ground;
Thou seest all things, thou wilt see my grave:
Thou wilt renew thy beauty morn by morn;
I earth in earth forget these empty courts,
And thee returning on thy silver wheels.

Menoria 02 Depression

2009-01-23T23:47:00.000-08:00

I'm 24 now, my first suicide attempt was 12 years ago. I remember that day well, It wasn't really I wanted to die, accually I wasn't very certain about what I was doing that moment, when I swallowed half bottle of the sleeping pills, yeah, I didn't take all of them, because I didn't really want to die. Nothing dramatic happened in that incident, I just fell asleep very soon, and woke up the next morning with a severe headach, none of my family knows that, they didn't ever noticed that 20 pills was missing in that transparent plastic little bottle. I went to school that morning, and such was my first suicide. Whatever will come comes soon.

Why? Why me, why so, why not? yeah, I think about this often, I got confused too, I have problem remembering things happened in everyday life, I don't remember the very context of my behaviour, probably that was because I got too confused about the validity of my existence. FLUXUS.

I was always the youngest in the classroom before University, 2 years under the everage age. Chinese education system is a simple one, kids are supposed to enter school at age 7. We have 6 years elementary school, 3 years middle school, 3 years high school, and then higher education, normally 3-5 years, depending on which major to take. Guess what, big kids in the classroom won't play with me, the picture of a 5-year in a group of 7-year is ugly, what made things even harder was that , the school I entered was affiliated to the college where parents work at, no secret in the little community, so just everyone knew my father was alcoholic and he had a gun, it's impossible for me to invite anyone to my house. I think that's when the seeds of my depression was planted, I can't remember if there was once a moment in my life I could feel secure. What's going on in this world??

All through my childhood, I'd been worrying. I worried that my father would finally kill my mother; I worried that my little sister, who was 3 years younger than me, may be bullied by others; I worries about what would happen to me if my words/silence make my father angry; I worried that what if I could never be smart enough to act/speak/dress like those kids who have lots friends in the classroom, because I was the stupid little one to be taken care of, according to my teachers. "all around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces. Bright and early for their daily races, going no where, going no where ..."

Things became much better when I got in the grade 4, my family moved out of the college region in order to hide from the One-Child-Policy scrutiny group: my sister, Xin, was illegal at that moment, before she entered middle school, she had been said an adopted child of the family. I found friends in the new region which lies in the edge of the small city. It was a whole new world. From the balcony I could see the desert, vast, hollow, shining under the summer sky behind an ugly man-made forest which was there to stop the desert from coming to me. I was set free. Those two and half years were the happiest period in my life. I went home with my sister and the new friends every day, crossing a huge gardon which belongs to the local desert control institution. I remember one day on our way back home, some policmen walked by, when Xin, with an big ugly school bag on her little back, grasped my lappet, said: "Sister, are they coming to take me away? " ONCE UPON A TIME....

She was the gift from heaven. I became stronger and stronger because Xin always looked up to me with her innocent eyes, so scared, so fragile yet so bright. Her little beautiful face told me I have to protect her. All through my way fighting depression, this picture of her face have been giving me strength and a wonderful feeling of being needed. Couple of years earlier when my ex-boyfriend and I was walking cross the Bell Square of Xi'an City, a girl with a dirty bawl came to me. She was about 4 years old, yet a professional begger. She looked up to me in the same manner as my sister did, I felt my tears came out at the very moment when I looked to her, fuck, the same eyes, the same fragile face. The next minute, my sick neurons set my emotion right into the anger code , or even beyond. I walked up to the old woman behind her, bursted out with my female Death growl one inch right before her face, I can't clearly remember what I shouted to the woman, maybe started with "老子干你" with an emphasized and prolonged third syllable as I normally do, literally means "I fuck you". Yah, woman, cities are dangous. (Every one in Xi'an City knows that some poor people from villeges would bring 3-5 years old children into this city and train them as good beggers, or thieves, government don't give a shit, citizens just take it as a local phenomenon.) All through the years in chaos, in the dark moments, Xin has been protecting me, by needing me. Darkness makes a sparkle brighter than the summer Sun.

In the Middle school and the High school there was nothing new in essence, My situation didn't turn any different, if not just see from the surface. Days of Rebelion. I had great fun by challenging the social norms, a young noncomformist. My strong background in violence and alcoholism helped me being a winner in the jungle of teenagers. I never feared when fighting a boy, you know, it's funny, I advanced and got more professional in violence in those years, I learned from fighting boys that physical is not the whole story, spirit and faith counts for a lot, being angry was my speciality, lol, when I lost temper, I lost fear, when I lost fear, others started to fear. Soon, I found a sweet secured group of my own, for the first time I felt something resembles identity. After the first year, I didn't need to fight in person any more, my friends would do it for me. In China, you got friends, you got everything. I don't think it's right to kick those innocent little asses just because they belong to someone who I don't like, well, okay, I admit it's stupid, but you know teenagers, they all have the protential of being some son-of-bitch. Chinese culture is nothing tolerant, for female, so I put myself even further to the boundery of society, and could never come back. My psychiatrist said she never met anyone like me, I like what she told to me, and I like her, though she didn't helped me a lot. to tell the truth, I can't remember how was it like, to belong to somewhere. Bad things happen to kids when they don't wanna go home. Be sure of that. I don't belong here.

University was the place where my symptoms finally manifested themselves, overwhelmingly, after a long tiring latent phrase. Depression, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Eating Disorder, Suicide Tendency, Unsocialized, it was like hell, if just look into the diagnoses. But amazingly, when I look back, I feel thankful for all those symptons. Sickness isn't the problem itself, sickness is actually the solution for problems. When we failed to take care of ourselves, of eachother, sickness would take care of us, when sickness failed to take care of us, death would. hehe, there is always a solution, no matter you want it or not. The solution of nature can always make thing right, we are not the center, we're just near to the center.

Some times, I am a little bit Tao. Funny thinking it's my family that is pushing me into problems, and it's also my family that is dragging me out from time to time. I lost my ability to draw a clear line between good and bad. It's been long I can't tell apart sick and healthy, good and bad. I complained, and am still complaining, about my family, my culture.... I'm thankful too, for life seems always hard to give up, and the world is always big enough for individuals like me to find a way out of the shity situations, I mean, it's always possible to become better, though most times things just not happen this way. I found a way to cop with my problem, that is, to manage to be objective.

Hehe, this do not mean I can understand everything by being objective, then be happy and alright. No no no, people understand only when they are in subjective perception, we understand only when we see what they want to see, by being sure of a sort of TRUTH , we feel ourself qualified to hate or even to kill. Damn, I feel sad about this fact. Being objective means one have to see what are unwanted and unpleasant, this is not comfortable at all. Objective description leads to but confusion. That's why politicians and Pops use the word "I'm sure" when stating personal views in order to herd you guys around. While scientists always say"I don't know" to left you in nowhere. I'm emotionally sick, so I don't think I'm right about how should the society run, but I do think the feeling of certainty lead to pride, fever, or even SIN; and confusion make us humble under nature thus be less harmful for eachother.

I can see the long long way ahead for me to go, to get out of depression, or maybe it's too long to walk through in one life, pity I'm a zendic, this life is everything for me.

I still feel sad, so fucking sad for every thing, even for my writing of memoria.

Memoria 01 Preface

2009-01-23T01:04:00.000-08:00

Everyone does something for some reason, consciously or unconsciously, I believe so, I also believe if I could be conscious enough of my motivations, I could make this world a little bit better in the next minute, by making me a little bit better person in the next minute.

I will write about myself, I mean just about me, my depression, my happy moments, my believes, my doubts, my anxiety, my personal religion, my private lust, my private fear, my body, my friends, my famlily, my Chinese Identity, my race, my freaky culture, and more. I put the big Latin word Memoria up there, this means the things I will talk about will just be as chaotic as memory itself. I hope, by doing this, I could learn more about how chaotic I really am, and most importantly, to admit that I need you guys. I crave for being understood, just like everyone; yet I've never tried to expressed myself to others, what I've been doing was walking around, making noise with others, and talking to myself , just like everyone. I can make a long list with psychological terms to explain why, I won't do it, one should only explain to oneself, not to others. Here I want to talk with you, just talk, nothing else.

I don't know how much I'll write, not do I know how much I could be heard, it's not that important, right? Have you ever thought about why people write? I was once so confused when come to this question, you know some guys they even spend half of their life in writting a book, I wondered what was there driving them to sit down with blank paper from day to day. I can't say I understand now, but I beome sure about at least one point, no one want to be an island.

My life got changed recently, yeah my days are still made up of 24 hours, but I start to feel differently in these hours. I met a guy called Vincent, he is from Belgium. He brought something new into my life, something nice.

BGM: good friends, good friends....

2008-12-14T21:11:00.000-08:00

It's been years since I told my high school teacher "fuck-yourself" before the whole class, I still hold it a better thing for those talking machines to do. Pity I don't have the human-machine interface to enter instruction. Yes, I was impressed by the way education system works in China, it's done a brilliant job in producing the most noble human beings ever, nearly as noble as cows, in Chinese saying, it's "eats grass, and gives milk", or "never complains while ploughing ".

I saw an piece of ad. on CCTV yesterday,

MUM: who did this?
Kids :"It's me." "no no, it's me." "no, it's me.."
MUM:" You sprats have cut your wisdom teeth."
(Voice-over: A heart beating with friends....)
(BGM: good friends, good friends....)

I got educated:
1) if a kid broken a jar in China, the consequence is serious, the jar-owner maybe sue to violence .
2) if a 4-year-old kid is able to show his great soul of humanity by means of lies, he will get sweet pies.

Ragnarǫk / Hiroshima

2008-12-11T06:58:00.000-08:00

(Just watched a BBC documentary of Hiroshima in 1945. I thought I knew what does "Atomic blast" mean. )

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Sisyphus secretly believes in Ragnarök, this is what made the stone rolling.]

" Fjalar, Gullinkambi, tell me how to crow.... Yes yes, this has something to do with this piece of rock. "

"..........."

" I'm the one who will crow in the halls of the underworld."

" shhhh.... yes yes, up and down, I see, the halls are here. "

" hh....right here."

(In your mind, as well as mine.)

Absurdity is an elastic mask, the artificial limb for the stiffed face of the inveterate dreamers, those who are most unlikely to be cured back into amorphous existence.

Black raindrops. Walking mutes, lying mutes. Three roosters. Little boy, Fat man.

「殺して・・・殺して」とあの子は言ってたの。

" Why we kill eachother?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Völuspá:

Brœðr muno beriaz
ok at bǫnom verða[z]
muno systrungar
sifiom spilla.
Hart er í heimi,
hórdómr mikill
—skeggǫld, skálmǫld
—skildir ro klofnir—
vindǫld, vargǫld—
áðr verǫld steypiz.
Mun engi maðr
ǫðrom þyrma.

------------------------------------

Brothers will fight
and kill each other,
sisters' children
will defile kinship.
It is harsh in the world,
whoredom rife
—an axe age, a sword age
—shields are riven—
a wind age, a wolf age—
before the world goes headlong.
No man will have
mercy on another.

================================================

Fylliz fiǫrvi
feigra manna,
rýðr ragna siǫt
rauðom dreyra.
Svǫrt verða sólskin
of sumor eptir,
veðr ǫll válynd
Vitoð ér enn, eða hvat?

-----------------------------------------------------------
It sates itself on the life-blood
of fated men,
paints red the powers' homes
with crimson gore.
Black become the sun's beams
in the summers that follow,
weathers all treacherous.
Do you still seek to know? And what?

(Yes, and everything, thanks.)

A decent mammal....goooooooth

2008-12-08T05:33:00.001-08:00

Unfortunately, 98% of our DNA pairs incoding turned out to be nonsense, yet I'm not optimistic enough to see the "2%" as can be perfectly expressed in this civilized world. Happy to be informed that chaos is not just our destination, since all the wars/genocides have been proving this, chaos is also our destiny. If people kill for food or sex, it's emotionally unacceptable, but at least it's logical, I still could reach considerable understanding towards ordinary wars. But killing for "faith"? man, tell me it's just another joke, other mammals are watching.

Sometimes I really hope the rhesus got a republic, so I may apply for a better citizenship here on earth, then feel less wretched as a human being. What the hell is going on in such a human neuron-system.... the protential madness?

Harmony is based on a little order in eternal disorder, and this is our situation. Treasure what can be arranged, and worship those beyond. Why it's so hard to admit there be other truths. Is that Gods who made those problems? I just wonder, if Gods are omnipotent, why they don't just show up and tell the ungodly doomed little creature like me that I should believe in them, I promise I'll believe in everything the first second they stand before me, or call me without a mobil, or just do something, sending nurderers are not persuasive at all. Well well well, what's wrong with me today.... still a little grumpy somehow. Calm down gal~ Sorry gods, I didn't mean to offend you, whoever you are. Hmm. I have to admit this, the atteck happened in India couple of days ago really pissed me off, just like everytime when I got those direct-broadcast satellite television pictures, telling me as well as others, that innocent people are killed, agian. I shouldn't talk bad of religion, sorry again, just, I don't think religion should be the source of some psycho murderers' courage.

Right, right...to love is the only way to conque the hatred completely, though a long long way. But how... terrorism won't cease even when there be no wars towards it, Dictators do have lot of things to do with terrorism, but wars could destroy an empire yet not the terrorism, it's something concerning nation, race, religion, politics, and economy-balance, all are the most sensitive topic in our age of humanity. I don't even know how to think properly about these whole thing, people are dying.

Apart of me is saying:

If you violate my personal faith, welcome to civilization, I got the best tea
for friends. If you violate my life by your faith, then welcome to jungle, fuck
your personal opinion, and sorry in case I take your life when things went
uncontrollable.

The other part of me is saying:

Love the sinners, so to conque the sin somehow, someday, then be a decent mammal .

Advertising industry

2008-12-05T21:03:00.000-08:00

If I change my chothes everyday, I could convince people that I have a colorful life; if I got underpanties in 7 colors, and I pick certain color for each day of the week, then I could convince people that my life is colorful, is well disciplined, and is profound. life is so easy here. I mean, It's really a great achievement of mankind, to endow nearly all the virtues of human beings to the oats, milk powder(with Melamine), shovels, switch boards, sanitary towels, etc... so, we could live in complete virtues.

Yang Jisheng, Tombstone (墓碑, Mubei)

2008-12-03T00:05:00.000-08:00

During the 20th century, an estimated 70 million people died from famines across the world, of whom an estimated 30 million died during the famine of 1958–61 in China,and about the same number of births were postponed or lost.

I wanna show my respectation to Mr. Yang Jisheng, a Chinese, a fact-addict. Yang Jisheng is the author of Tombstone (墓碑, Mubei). Full particulars and a well-written review can found here.

He begins the book,

I call this book Tombstone. It is a tombstone for my father who died of hunger
in 1959, for the 36 million Chinese who also died of hunger, for the system that
caused their death, and perhaps for myself for writing this book.

Anna Applebaum of The Washington Post wrote:

A combination of criminally bad policies (farmers were forced to make steel
instead of growing crops; peasants were forced into unproductive communes) and
official cruelty (China was grimly exporting grain at the time) created, between
1959 and 1961, one of the worst famines in recorded history. "I went to one
village and saw 100 corpses," one witness told Yang. Then another village and
another 100 corpses. No one paid attention to them. People said that dogs were
eating the bodies. Not true, I said. The dogs had long ago been eaten by the
people.

I say:

This book may cure my allergy to "intellectuals" in mainland China. Thank you Mr. Yang.

The Big Famine which took place 50 years ago ("Three Years of Natural Disasters" , according to the official version) left the spells of hysteria to a whole generation. For me, the anxiety of my parents led to my unhappy puberty, for which I nearly damned back to Confucius ancestors (I'm really sorry). I had neither been thankful for the fact that my parents survived the biggest famine in human history, nor had I been helpful when they lost their balance in their doomy and slippery memery. I still feel shame about myself, but I'm lucky to be able to give an atonement. but, how about those 30,000,000 who died in that man-made "Natural Disasters", those who are as silent as soil, consisting of the major part of the "silent harmony" here, hoohaa ! what a bioclean Republic.

leynarmál...

2008-11-29T20:51:00.000-08:00

I've been wondering for so long, that why people write poems, for it's so vague, so full of unproductive sentiments, people take pains to compose a poem, but it takes only a minute for a poem to be forgotten. Like fireworks, pouring colors, scents, sounds, into people's sense in the first 20 minutes of each New Year in China. The glaring, the sulfer, the roar in the open fields, the pain from a fire burn, yet the strongest liquor intensify all. Sitting and listening to the first moment of a Chinese New year, I could feel more of the Verdun in February 1916. Man-made lights are destinied to die in the sky, and real poetry, must die before being recorded.

I'm not sentimantal now, and am surely not cursing anything, just I don't think the transcience of beauty requires any pity, it's the beauty that requires transcience, for everything last for too long a time will be sorted, by us, the seekers of eternal beauty, into 'ugly'. So, I think the reason why people write poems, is that people are scared by their own mind, by a funeral not yet coming but always in sight. People need to blend beauty into fear, like we need to brew alcohol out of tainted water, then we could knock it over.

For us, who luckily got an easthetic mind, 'beauty' is the last resort for a salvation when God fails, an ever workable compensation for the anxiety of being mortal, or being alone.

I know I got too far on this point, but I'd rather telling nonsense than telling lies. I believe the Great Ape Language signifies the very form of human mind in its first stage. The norm-lacking sentences made by those little hairy things shares the same feature prevailing in poems, made by us hairless things, that is, free-association. It's logical, as long as one need to make sense of a sick-grammar sentence, one has to associate more than usual. The tendency of the developing of nature languages is "poetic---->computerized", this could also give a hint to the primarity of poetry in the progress of civilizing.

Well, today, listining to Darkseed´s Ultimate Darkness(myspace), I found a decent poem to ponder on.

(I don't who Birgir is. T_____T, tears.)

Dauðansmyrkur

--
Svarta náttmyrkvið bítur

Kuldalegur iður nætur

Kliður vænir um sítur

Hafðið á´ykkur gætur

Dauðaþyrstur um þýtur

Djákninn á þeim svarta

Geysist á ferð um grýtur

Drepur án þess að kvarta

--
Birgir Criminal ++1977-
Ertu hræddur við myrkvið, ástæða til.

I start to think that the very Poetic part of the Icelandic language is its freedom in compounding new words, such as 'náttmyrkvið': "nátt-": (="noct-") relating to night; "myrk" from "myrkur", darkness (a noun); "við " from "viður", wood, I think "viður" (or rather "við") is walways used to compound names of trees. Now, I'm not shameless enough to post my translation here, maybe later. (leynarmál...)

Haust og Garðflatir / by Hannes Pétursson

2008-11-28T04:01:00.000-08:00

Haust Og garðflatir

grænar við sjóinn fram.

En reyniviðarhríslur

rauðar, í gulu ljósi.

Samtimis deyja

ekki sumarsins grös og lauf.

Allt deyr

að eiginn hætti.

Allt deyr

en óviss er dauðans tími.

Dauðinn er regla

sem reglur ná ekki til.

-------------------------------------------------- /Hannes Pétursson

I got a sick hobby of keeping word order -- at the cost of decency of languages. So, I need your felp, Emily Dickinson.

Autumn and Gardenlawn

Green - alongside the Sea

But "reyniviðarhríslur"
Red , in Golden light.

En masse - Die

not the Summer blades.

Everyone - Dies

with its Own manner

Everyone - Dies

but Undecided is the Death's time.

the Death is Order

that orders obtaining not Yet.

-------------------------------------------------- /Hannes Pétursson

* reyniviðarhríslur: probably is a kind of Icelandic tree, but not sure, I'm still looking for it.

Okay, now, this is but my understanding of that Icelandic poem, I'm not abusing it another time:

Autumn, and green yard

And the open sea.

But "reyniviðarhríslur"

Red fragments, amidst fluffy canary-yellow.

Summer left too many blades

Imporssible, a uniformity.

Each dies

On its own,

All dies

But when?

Death is the law,

The law not yet written.

-------------------------------------------------- /Hannes Pétursson

19th, Dec. 2008

I wanna thank Haraldur Blondal, who lives in Reykjavike, for solving the problem. He just sent me a message about the word "Reyniviðarhríslur", as well as the poem:

Briefly speaking this is a small type of tree calld reyniviður.
Reyniviður is the same as ,,Rowan Tree" if you are familiar with that.hrísla,
means a very samall young tree.The word ,,viður" actually means wood.
Reyni-viður typifies what kind of tree we are talking about. In the times of the
sagas ,,viður" means forrest.In a poem by Hannes Pétursson the very word itself
draws you a picture of sth very very, young, very small and fragile. Life versus
death because after all at their very extreme the natural forces In Iceland show
no mercy, be it winter, storm, rain or volcanic eruptions. So all in all it´s
really more that just the word and it´s meaning.

það er tilfellið

2008-11-27T21:37:00.000-08:00

til·felli n ( -s, -) : case, occurrence
það er tilfellið : that is true, that is the case

tiltækra dæma : (handy examples...it´s a weird expression for me ,so far...but I found it from a reliable site.) My translations are probably wrong, I'm just trying to get familliar with those Icelandic words.

1. Við óvænt tilfelli varð hann oft fyrir stórskoðum.

word for word:

With unexpected cases became he often in front of a-big-loss.

modified:

He often turned out to be in front of huge loss with (those) unexpected cases.

translation:

He always got huge damage when there be some unexpected occurence.

2. en það gerist eftir mjög langan tíma, og það var ekki tilfellið þarna. (gera-to do, gerist-to happen )

word for word:

but that happens in very long a-time, and that was not the-case there.

modified:

But this happens during a very long time, and this was not the case there.

translation:

But this have been happening for a very long time, and this was not the case there.

About Ludwig Wittgenstein

2008-11-13T20:19:00.000-08:00

Witt is one of the most passionate creatures I've ever got to know on this planet, He was born one month ahead of Heidegger, and died 25 years before the death of the later. In the same war age, they were doing two different things. Witt was trying hard to shut up, or trying hard to turn a deaf ear to something too loud; while Heidegger was dedicating to breaking down the palace of philosophy, burrowing deeply there, so as to find what he thought to be lost.
I always got confused by the relationship between individual believes and the common ideaology. Where is my place? The human society have a coherent property, that is people impose the partial ideas upon others, so that we could have a reality in common, thus we could understand eachother and function well in the way we call "creative" in English.
What all this has to do with Witt is that, I really what to know, if he accepts that his personal view of the meaning (or, rather meaningless) of this world, should be a universal one? If not, what the hell was there to drive him wrote such a obscure book to express, if possible, anything ... and to whom? We are so sophisticate in Sophist, and so deep in dilemmas, how comes he tought he could order anything back? Maybe, yeah, probably he just want to order himself back.
To me, the reality became softened down only when I see it as cooked, we cooked out the truth as well as the flaw, we dream private dreams when sleeping, and we dream a public dream when we call ourselves "wake up". The decipline is so intricate in the field of philosophy, and all those broken pieces are yet so far away from the public, well, yeah, aesthetics cleans up all. A cigarette release all. Hell yah, we are good.
It's weird that, Witt make me feel like listening to the German band Empyrium (I've been addicted to Empyrium for 2 years ), while Heidegger remind me of the Norwegians Dimmu Borgir. Though, Witt is the one who once lived in a little cabin in Skjolden, a village in the dream like Nordic Forest, and Heidegger had passed most of his late days in the Black Forest which is deep in Germany.
I don't know why I always have these too guys appear in my mind together with those Black Metal subtitles, maybe it's just the same melancholy behind the same Sound and Fury.
I've been planning to have a rundown with Witt's Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus, but this attitude is rather anti my principle in reading, I won't talk before I learned. Well, to get start, I'm now working on making sense of his 7 propositions in other languages, I'll post a link here as soon as I finished.
Good day.

Fyrirbæri, Fenomeen, Phenomenon

2008-11-12T16:58:00.000-08:00

6Icelandic:
„Það eru alls engin siðferðileg fyrirbæri til — heldur aðeins siðferðileg túlkun fyrirbæra “
6Dutch:
"Er zijn helemaal geen morele fenomenen; er is daarentegen alleen een morele uitleg van fenomenen."
6English:
"There are no moral phenomena at all, but only a moral interpretation of phenomena."
------Friedrich Nietzsche

dþað adverb : there .
dalls adverb : altogether, on the whole, in all, all told .
denginn pron. indef. m. sg. no one, nobody, nothing .( f. sg. engin, n. sg. ekkert , m, n. sg. gen. einskis , m. pl. engir , f. pl. engar , n. pl. engin )
dsiðferði·legur adjective moral, ethical .

sið·ferði neuter noun morals, morality
siður masculine noun custom, religion .
-legur suffix (feminine -leg, neuter -legt) -ly .

dfyrir·bæri neuter noun phenomenon . (Here in the line, fyrirbæri is singular nominative, while Fyrirbæra is plural and in its genitive case.)
dtil (+ genitive) preposition for, of.
daðeins adverb : only .
dtúlkun feminine noun singular : interpretation, artistic rendering.
dheldur conjunction : but, instead .

Word-for-word (lánsþýðing) 6

"There are at-all nothing a moral phenomena of - but only a moral interpretation phenomena. "

I maintained the word order of the Icelandic version, we can see here, the second half of this sentence became un-readable. That is because in Icelandic, the case of nouns have told everything we need :
siðferðilegur is declined into siðferðileg to modify only feminine singular nominative nouns, i.e. fyrirbæri, and túlkun. fyrirbæra is beautifully in its genitive case, which means it got an invisable "of" before it, so no need using an "til" again. But in a languages like English which have no case at all, the preposition "of (til)" is indispensable .
One thing I don't undertand, that is, why the "enginn" do not deline into genitive as fyrirbæra do. The neuter plural genitive form for "nothing" is "engra" but not "engin".
Icelandic is a language that spends the CPU (my coconut), but very economic in documentation (books).

der adverb : there (daar there, pronominal adverb)
dhelemaal adverb all, : wholly, completely

hele adjective : form of heel "whole". helen verb : to heal.
maal noun : time, turn, occurrence. (French : fois) ditmaal this time; eenmaal once; meermaals many times, repeatedly.

dgeen negative indifinite artical : no, not a, not any. g + een
dfenomeen noun : phenomenon, (fenomenen is the plural form for fenomeen.)
dmoreel adjective : moral. (morele is the inflected form of moreel)
ddaarentegen adverb (formal) : on the other hand, contrariwise, on the contrary

en conjunction : and, well, so, plus.
tegen prepositon against

dalleen adverb : just, only, merely.
duitleg noun masculine (de-word) : explanation, interpretation.

uit preposition : out of, from.
leggen verb : to lay
uitleggen verb : to explain, to interpret .

woord voor woord (vertaling)6

"There are totally not any moral phenomena, there is otherwise only a moral interpretation of phenomena. "

There sentence is helemaal (totally) understandable. Dutch is an near sibling of the English language, though it reserves more Germanic characteristic, e.g. the weak verb conjugation. English remained only one weak conjugation for present tense, that is the 3rd-person singular "-s", others use the infinitive form of verbs.

to work, I work, you [sg.] work, he/she works, we work, you [pl.] work, they work.

but in Dutch, all singular persons use congugated verb forms for simple present tense, the 2nd and 3rd singular share a common conjugating, while the plural ones use the infinitive:

werken, ik werk, jij werkt, hij werkt, wij werken, jullie werken, zij werken.

For simple past tense (preterite), all persons are conjugated in the same way (-ed) in English:

to work, I worked, you worked, he/she worked, we worked, you worked, they worked.

only singular person are conjugated, plural person keep the infinitive form just as they do in simple present:

werken, ik werkte, jij werkte, hij werkte, wij werken, jullie werken, zij werken.

So, the verb conjugates in a more troublesome way in Dutch, yeah, and moreover, all the strong verbs in English are classified as "irregular verbs" (do, did, done), but in Dutch, they are still called strong verbs, that means, they are regular (doen, deed, gedaan).
I love the double vowels in Dutch, they remind me of a yawning cat.

X Finally, I want to say, yep, the morality is something we fabricated for practical usage. And only when we deny its usage, that morality becomes practically useful. This is "phenomenon".

World Record

2008-11-06T16:27:00.000-08:00

ça.... oui.

Seven Perspectives by C. George Boeree

2008-10-30T22:08:00.000-07:00

SEVEN PERSPECTIVES By George Boeree

It's a great mixture of Politics, philosophy, psychology, and Zen with very little big words for everyone to consider. It introduced 7 perspectives in a healthy structure, together with their relatively disadvantages in realistical functioning. I have to say, George is cool!

The seven perspectives in his paper are :

“subjective“ views

"They believe in and value the interpretation, whether individual or social, of experience more than the experience itself. In the autistic, the value of events relative to individual needs and desires is more important than truth as some of the higher perspectives would understand it. In the authoritarian, the weight of valuing has simply shifted to the social surround. "

The autistic perspective

A person taking the autistic view believes that their personal subjective perspective is, in fact, the only perspective, and that, to the extent that the consciousness of others is recognized at all, everyone sees reality this same way. It is, in other words, egocentric and self-oriented, even solipsistic.

The authoritarian perspective

An authoritarian person accepts only one social reality, and understands it as universal. Someone who does not accept the same social reality is seen as either an infant or insane. And they tend to believe in universal dualities -- black vs white, good vs bad, us vs them... -- with little room for “in between” or “both.”

“objective” views:

"They share the idea that truth has an objective existence to be discovered outside of either personal or social realities. "

The rationalistic perspective

It is an idealistic perspective in that the objective truth it seeks is held to be contained by the mind.

The mechanistic perspective

Though not disdainful of logic and mathematics, it views truth as something to be discovered outside the mind, in the world.

The cybernetic perspective

The cybernetic tends to be the most mature of the three objective views because it requires certain realizations that are rare among rationalistic and mechanistic people: The cybernetic person has fully recognized that the observer influences the observed.

syntheses of the subjective views and the objective views:

The epistemic perspective

Unlike the objectivist approaches, which insist that we subtract our subjectivity from our observations to arrive at an ultimate reality much reduced from experience, the epistemic view sees ultimate reality as all views added together, and then some!

The transcendental perspective

In a very real sense, it is a matter of dying -- or almost dying -- and returning to everyday reality with a new perspective on life.

Two exerptions & my commentation(in braces, italic font):

I. The authoritarian disorders
The authoritarian neurotic is a person who retreats from the complexity of life into the authoritarian structures of a social reality. Again, the neurotic is not a child, nor a peasant in some traditional society, so this authoritarian world-view must be supported by defensive mechanisms that help him or her to avoid full recognition of traumas and chaos. Because it is that very complexity that will lead them further towards elaborative development, it is especially the neurotic who is responding to a chaotic environment who will be most broadly effected, while the neurotic responding to specific traumas may well develop further in domains not tied to that of the trauma. (phenomenologically, authoritarian people consist the basis of human social reality, to be maintained as well as to be changed. I got a weird idea that the constructed reality is largely based on the feedback of other people which Sartre called "Hell", or animals, e.g. wolf children. So lacking of independent thinking is actually the most foundamental thing for the existance of our society and it's developement. A brilliant idea need to be supported then it may be influencial to society, but always an good idea is not likely to be generally understood among people, in such cases, a group of rigid-minded authoritarian people may be of great help, they comply well, and they tend to control and convert people who are thought different, hence there be great civilization under the Christian dogma, there were and are dictative systems to be comdemned and liberized. This sucks, coz I'm still suffering alot from my idealism, hoping people could all be wise and responsible, this ideal is a happy fever, I have to forget about it from time to time, in order to get a realistic way to hold my happy fever tight. )
The authoritarian neurotic will tend to exhibit his or her rigid sociality in one of two ways: Depending on such factors as temperament, upbringing, and specific social situation, they will be either aggressive or compliant. Aggressive neurotics, predominantly men (due to both temperament and upbringing), tend to expect others to bend to their will, and are likely to be angry and even violent if their expectations are not met. Compliant neurotics, predominantly women (again, due to both temperament and upbringing), tend to expect to yield to the will of others. They suffer from sadness and spend much of their cognitive time trying to adapt, i.e. trying accept into themselves changes that would be more efficiently accomplished by changing others (most often, the aggressive males they keep company with!).
But please notice that both aggressiveness and compliance change depending on the people you are interacting with: The aggressive man is likely to become quite compliant when faced with a clear social superior; the compliant woman is likely to be quite aggressive towards her children or servants. In a traditional society, these relations operate quite smoothly, with very little overt anger or sadness, and certainly without much sadism or masochism. Among neurotics, the defensive mechanisms change the anxiety that is at the root of the neurosis into anger or sadness, even to the point of sadism and masochism. As Freud pointed out, these are just two sides of the same coin, which is the authoritarian perspective. (Hell yes! That's the situation in which surffering lead to more surfferings. An abused child tend to abuse his/her childre later on; an over-suppressed citizen tends to become a tyrant once he/she could seized any little power , a vicious circle. )
To help someone grow out of their authoritarian perspective, one must begin with authority. It is these people that are most influenced by the therapist’s status, and are particularly susceptible to suggestion. The point is to use authority to move the authoritarian beyond the confines of his or her rigid social reality, so that they might recognize the variety of perspectives possible. They are far from being ready to adopt the non-closure attitudes of the epistemic, but they can learn tolerance of others and a habit of looking for the commonalities or the broader view. They must learn to reason independently of social categories, to stop seeing all issues as black and white, to entertain an experimental attitude towards their problems, and to see the complexities of issues -- i.e. to become familiar with rationalistic, mechanistic, and cybernetic views, at least to the extent that they can move beyond their authoritarian rigidity. All this must occur within a very secure environment, one that does not engage their defensive mechanisms. (Man, it's hard to know whether the one is changing the perspective, or just trying to please you in saying expected words.)

II. Societies
Societies do not have epistemologies; only individuals do. So we should not expect our taxonomy to so neatly reflect societal development as it does personal development. We can, however, place societies on the basis of the level of the mass of a society's people, or at least the level of the power-elite. Permit me to go out on a limb:
1. At the autistic level, we can only expect anarchy moderated by instinct -- something I doubt has ever truly existed in the history of human beings.
2. At the traditional level, we find a large number of societies that Sorokin (1937-1940) calls, perhaps euphemistically, familistic: They tend to be universalistic, have realistic conceptions of the corporate "person" (i.e. the tribe, the state, the race...), tend to assume free will, and take a cyclical view of history. Modern "isms" that might be so characterized include absolute monarchy and fascism.
3. At the rationalistic level (Sorokin calls them "mixed") we might find constitutional monarchy and republicanism, as well as capitalist economics.
4. At the mechanistic level, we have what Sorokin call the contractual: Singularism predominates, as does a nominalistic conception of the corporate "person," a belief in determinism, and a progressive approach to history. Modern "isms" might include federalism, representational democracy, and welfarism.
Beyond this point we run into a problem finding examples or even conceptions.
5. Cybernetic societies, we might predict, should be slightly less efficient and somewhat more person-oriented than the mechanistic societies. We might expect referential democracy, meritocracy (in the best sense), and moderate socialism. Sorokin does mention "harmonism," including a dialectic approach to history, as a higher synthesis of the familistic and the contractual. (sounds so dangrous, hmm, is it my fear of chaos, asall the conventionalists' fear of chaos, that leads to the insecure feeling of a social struction in hypothesis?)
6. At the epistemic level, we might expect a decentralized, participatory democracy and a "grass roots" capitalism (communism at its best!). As it should be considerably less efficient than the mechanistic, we can expect its arrival only when the world is safe from physical and economic aggression, and indeed only when others find it in themselves to tolerate such developments. (I don't trust in human, nor should you. One could be perfectly moral only when everyone is perfectly moral. )
7. And, finally, the transcendental society would presumably be an anarchy in the most positive sense. I suspect this will forever remain an ideal. (anarchy? I think we don't need to do anything, only DEATH could led human into anarchy.)
All this said, it should still be understood that all the perspectives, if they are indeed in some way universals, should be represented in all societies, from the most primitive to the most futuristic. Of course, the expression of each perspective will differ tremendously from society to society: The “mechanistic” in a primitive society may be represented by the practical, down-to-earth views of the village craftspeople, the “epistemic” by the leadership skills of a chief, and the “transcendental” by the ritual of the shaman. And perhaps the rationalistic and cybernetic have little meaning for a pre-literate culture.
On the other hand, some of what makes today’s life difficult can also be understood: In a society as complex, pluralistic, and swiftly changing as ours, it may become increasing difficult for many of us to face and transcend the “chaos” of our lives. It is a serious question, I believe, whether more and more of us will suffer from alienation and mental illness as we move into our future. I like to think that speculating on our psycho-social future in this way may help us deal with these problems successfully! (You do think so? or you have to think so? yeah, we have to believe in something seems imporsible for us, sometimes we call it "hope", sometimes, "mental illness".)

Honestly, I believe that the struggling in chaos is inherent in our highly evolved brain, reality will never been well defined as could be universally accepted. "Reality" a word doomed to be taken partially by everyone, once a perspective is practiced, one is about to face some kind of disturbulance. The development in our civilization is rooting deeply in problems and pain. We are doomed, to lust for a non-existing paradise(something sublime and whole), the lust itself is Humanity, it's so concrete that will never collapse, even being built on a collective dream. We will get use to it, just like our ancesters got used to the endless wars, humans' ability in adapting is amazing, let's rest on the chaos , if possible, enjoy it with a peaceful smile.

考试日

2008-10-25T02:24:00.000-07:00

今天考试了，英语阅读，和旅游英语选读，早晨的监考老师聊天声音太大，我举手说，老师请问您能不能声音小一点，我注意力集中有问题，然后后排传来低沉可疑的笑声，我知道这哥们不一定能理解我的幽默。下午考试差点睡着，做翻译题的时候英语单词都认识，但是汉字怎么写给忘了，很沮丧，这也就是现在我在用中文写博客的直接原因。40分钟答完题交卷，晃悠到超市，买了一瓶白兰地五袋芝麻官豆腐干，回家一看，离考试结束时间还有20分钟，妈妈说，这么早就交卷啦，看来都会。我想她指的是英语方面，于是点点头。嗯。明天接着考，还没注意看准考证上那两门都是什么。
今天阳光灿烂，考场在小学教室，小桌子小椅的，墙上还有优秀班干部评选结果。等着发卷的功夫，我突然想起高中的时候坐在我前排的傻大个，他是真的傻。他那会总穿着一件格子衬衫，格子相当小，小到用来下五子棋将将合适，于是我和我同桌就换绿色娱乐了，不用咬着尺子在练习本上面画方格，而且第二天等他来上课的时候，同一件衬衫，但圈圈叉叉和残局都不见了，我俩乐此不彼。再后来快毕业的时候，才听说他是单亲家庭，和妈妈一起过，他妈每天工作养家，为了让她智商不足的儿子能上高中，不知道求了多少人，花了多少钱。我才明白为什么一年以来她家人每天给他洗衬衣但从来没有找我班主任告过状。虽然我那个时侯是的校园暴力小集团的边缘份子，道德水平发展严重滞后，但是仍然感觉到了一些让我不舒服的东西。传统上称之为“愧疚”，我叫它“作孽”。不知道他现在怎么样了，这么善良友好的青年，希望他和他妈都好。阿弥陀佛，哈利路亚。真的希望他家都好。
老爸弃武从文已经两年，在某天受到魔鬼词典的启发之后，他开始编纂自己的词典。这样一来我喜欢文科这个曾经的不解之谜，似乎也有迹可循了，不错不错。下午饭前，老头给“人生”下了一个定义，问我觉得怎么样，我快乐的咀嚼着芝麻官豆腐干，说“这个话题太大了吧。。。嗯，对我来说，人生就是虚无和虚无之间打着的一个死结。” 老爸听完呵呵一笑，我突然觉得真他妈幸福。

Cigarettes | Eels

2008-10-24T01:31:00.000-07:00

I know I know...I have to quit smoking, ahh, but it's still not that practical, at least not now.
When could I feel some backup, God, I'm so tired of doing evrything all by myself. This afternoon I noticed my tears came out again, but I feel good, come on, Chu, you are tough, you can do everything you want, you can feel good with tears, and you will be what you want to be.
Yeah, lady, I will, let's wait and look.
Today is Eels' day, Beautiful Freak1996, yummy voice, yummy music.

Fluxus·75

2008-10-20T20:33:00.000-07:00

Fluxus—a name taken from a Latin word meaning "to flow"—is an international network of artists, composers and designers noted for blending different artistic media and disciplines in the 1960s. They have been active in Neo-DadaNoise Music andVisual Art as well as Literature,Urban Planning, Archtecture, and Design. Fluxus is often described as Intermedia, a term coined by Fluxus artist Dick Higgins in a famous 1966 essay.

Dada
Anti-art
Zen
Pop
Laughter

BOX

life is a box is art is huge is on the floor is red is black is white is transparent is a picture is a song is everything is closed is opened is soft is velvet is touched is forgotten is stuffed is new is watched is portable is on the next stop is gethered is on the lap is under bed is behind me is burning is watered is growing is upside-down is between legs is focused is somewhere is everywhere is nowhere is there is now is then is eating is killing is painful is passed is bettering is revolving is candy is a word is bigger is inside is others' eyes is GODs v.s. Us is woods is in a tea cup is more....

VIVE
" Je sais ce que je veux.
Je sais rien mais je veux tout.
Mais je sais pas comment faire.
Je veux savoir.
Je sais plus.
Je sais pourquoi je veux changer.....
Je mens."

Fluxus for me, it's just like the Utope for Plato: something sounds nice, really helps, and is desperately believed. Fluxus for me is really a friendly attitude towards all, yet let me stay calm with all the questions. Are they really need to be answered? Are they really can be answered? Questions are more bearable than answers, since an open possibility always make us high & more cooperate. Let hard facts pave our road, let the soft cover our bed. Then we could drive, walk and fall flat; sleep, be covered, and make love.

There be no view that could be hold collectively, world is huge and rich when in peace, one pick up what he/she needs and put it into one's own box, walking is encouraged, waiting is yet not that bad. Don't blame others' stupidity in choise, it's just a personal taste; and don't just kill when someone is in your way, one can not go far with a dead body on the back anyway, there always be a better solution. When you die, your box is left open, others may or may not pick your stuff up, it depends on whether you have collected something for others. Hmm, say HELLO to all every morning, and hold tight my BOX. I do feel good.

75: My lucky number

An exerption from Wiki:

In Chinese mythology, the sun is in the form of a three-legged bird. It is believed that there were ten of them, all of whom are the offspring of Dijun, God of the Eastern Heaven. The ten sun birds resided in a mulberry tree in the eastern sea; each day one of the sun birds would be rostered to travel around the world on a carriage, driven by Xihe (deity) the 'mother' of the suns.

Folklore also held that, at around 2170 BC, the Sun-birds grew tired of the routine and decided that all of them were to rise at once. The heat on earth became intense. At a result, crops shrivelled in the fields. Lakes and ponds dried up; humans and animals cowered in shelters or collapsed from exhaustion. Time passed and the suffering continued. Yao, the Emperor of China, decided to plead for divine intervention and ask Dijun for aid.

Dijun was well aware of his sons' misdeeds, and sent for Houyi, the God of Archery, to teach his sons a lesson. Dijun wanted Houyi to simply frighten them so that they would not dare to cause mischief again. Houyi, too, wanted to settle this crisis peacefully, but a single glance at thescorched land was enough to convince him that desperate measures were needed. Angered by the suffering of the people caused by the Sun-birds' misconduct, Houyi lifted up his bow and shot them down one by one. Upon killing the ninth, Emperor Yao hurried to halt him as killing the last one would leave the world in total darkness. Houyi agreed and was hailed as a hero for mankind. Yet, later, Houyi's actions caused him to make enemies in Heaven and as a result he was punished with divine wrath.

All 10 of them are equally responsible for the disaster, but one of them will be exempted, no one knows which, it's random. I care not about the divine bird which was exempted and shinging proudly up there, but the nine which are slain. It's a pity none of them got a name thus enable us to identify them from eachother, even their mother just call them "sons". Like those who fell in a war without a tomb or a name, people call them MARTYRs or VICTIMs as a whole, (martyrs die for something, victims don't). But who are they at all? Those names have been erased in random. This sucks, no one want to be one of them, that's why people fight when have to. I'm rather pessimistic about such things, I believe that once there be a killing scene, I'll belong to those who fall and will be forgotten, yes maybe I'll survive by the quirk of fate, still I'll loss 9 friends out of 10. This make me fear, and long for an ordered world. How about we do something to prevent the ten birds come out together before we have to kill? To avoid testing out fortune in an uncontrollable situation, make it no more a lie when we tell our kids :"effort will be paid, no one will be left out ". This is the only thing we could do to comfort us and show the real sympathy for the martyrs and victims.

The seventh died bird is as unique as the one still alive. Remember this Chu, wait and see if this faith could do any good. 75 is your lucky number.

75[qīwǔ] WU 乌[wū]: a crow, black. a divine sun-bird.

《楚辞·天问》王逸注云：“尧命羿仰射十日，中其九日，日中九乌皆死，堕其羽翼。”

Dante Gabriel Rossetti

2008-10-20T06:22:00.001-07:00

Dante Gabriel Rossetti, I like him just because, I think there be some obvious constency in his paintings, different girls, but always the same face.

I got no hot for paintings before 16th, stuff on the Church walls, almost-nacked angels, or the well clothed Gods. And, thanks to the pigment industry, there be too many modern paintings, too many picassos, too many lines and dots, I'm confused. As a layman, I don't have much word for mordern art as a whole, just few exceptions.

I read something about teleology yesterday, like always, I don't think there's anything new, too much description, too little explaination, but still provoking. It's good to know lots people start to treat " virtue & sin " scienticially, as long as we could stay calm, good boys will be awarded as usual, and bad ones will not be damned that much. What a future.

Lunatique

2008-10-20T04:13:00.000-07:00

J'apprens le Français depuis 3 mois, ce n'est pas si sophistique comme on le pense, mais on ne peut pas comprend quelque langue dans un seul jour, rien est si facile dans le monde.

J'en trouve beaucoup de proverbe ca m'amuse, alors vous avez : "On ne saurait être sage quand on aime, ni aimer quand on est sage." Enfin bref c'est très vivant. Bien... je ne sais pas ce-que je veux dire.. alors...c'est ça, juste pour écrire en Français.

I'll get rid of the big words

2008-10-20T03:34:00.000-07:00

I promise this, to myself. "It's 21st century, I won't speak like a dead lady." How comes this....I'm alive and kickin, hot and smart, man...There always be a reason people do or not do something, I don't speak normal has nothing to do with the style thing, just my English sucks, and I don't wanna face the truth. Today is Oct. 20th, 2008, happy birthday, my English."

Quotation, Chuang Tzu

2008-10-15T08:16:00.000-07:00

“泉涸，鱼相与处于陆，相呴以湿，相濡以沫，不如相忘于江湖。与其誉尧而非桀也，不如两忘而化其道。”

----《庄子·内篇·大宗师第六》

This line is one of my favourite quotes, in which the purest tranquility is rooting.

"泉涸，鱼相与处于陆，相呴以湿，相濡以沫，不如相忘于江湖" Left high and dry, two stranded fish moisten eachother with spit, overwhelmingly, love is gethered as well as pain, yet it's better if they never met and were swiming in the ocean light-hearted."

A sigh? a menifesto ? When saturated in meanings, it explicifys nothing.

"与其誉尧而非桀也，不如两忘而化其道" It's better we let Yao and Jie both rest in peace and be what they are, than glorify one and demn the other."

Both Yao and Jie are BC kings, Yao is notorious for his wisdom, while Jie, for his tyranny. For more than 2000 years, the Chinese wise men would say over all the same lines, eulogizing and denouncing, finally, people engrained all the adjectives, and lost sight of that either Yao or Jie was one of us, flesh and blood, lived and died.

Most people hold these words as with a pessimistic attitude, a cold-hearted utterence.

"Be aware of the pessimistic view in Taoism and don't falling in it, just to appreciate the beauty in the rhetoric sense."

This is a commentation on Taoism made in my high school Chinese textbook. It had been making me feel bad about "Tao" in all my adolescence days, thinking, if I say I'm interested in Tao, my friends would probably think I lack of human emotion. I'm really curious about why the adults put such a vague stuff into certainty, why they assert their aethestic standard to the kids in puberty, and why the classics lost its charming in mordern China. Well, politics again. After the first lie was covered up, the stone start to roll down from the hill. The conduct of covering lies just left more lies to be covered up, more efforts needed.

No matter how much one detest the political chaos, yet it's a fact that political influence is looming, in every word you choose to use, in every moment you love or hate. It is the gravity of soul which gives direction when falling.

Man, when could we recollect the pure beauty in this line? When could we talk about what have been happening here, without the "un-sainty" shame ?

All about the Chu

2008-10-15T05:18:00.001-07:00

Hi~ I'm living on earth, and, belong to the human kind.